Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Stupid American Tourists Tricks...

Bonsoir ladies and gentlemen. JZZRGRL has returned from her FAVORITE place in the world and was once again reminded why it is the most amazing city in the world. It is absolutely beautiful. And I had an amazing trip, the weather was perfect, the food was awesome and the sites and shopping were even better. I couldn't have planned a better 40th BDAY trip than this. So you knew I had to come back and give you stories from my trip.

Generally speaking the fashion was pretty good, well the French women had good fashion, the stupid tourists that I saw did not. I mean, how many times do I need to say this, there is NEVER a time a that a fanny pack is OK. And really, a Disney Land T-Shirt and sneakers with socks? Ladies and gentlemen seriously, can we at least try not to look like a tourist? You know me, I had my cute flats and capris on every day. Most people did not think I was American...

I did buy a new pair of shoes, of course, I was in you think I couldn't go to Christian Louboutin and buy shoes. The sales guy asked me out...FUNNY.

So a few funny stories from the trip:

1. OK, so I had my global phone (Thanks HT) and was using it to check email while I was there, I promptly received a text from the good folks at Verizon Wireless that my data roaming charges were approx. $200. SO I turned everything off, ONLY to realize that there was free wi-fi in the lobby of the hotel. YEAH, I realized that on the day I was leaving...good job.

2. I did fall up the stairs once on the Metro. I think my inherited clumsy genes are starting to show more as I get older. I did hit my hand, kind of hurt...

3. The best story was on the day I left, I met a guy from Wisconsin (what are the odds??) and he and I hung out on Sunday. So on Monday, we were both leaving and thought we would take the train together to the airport. Well, he was running late, we finally get to the station and it was a debacle to simply try to buy tickets for the RER, so we finally go through the turnstyle. My HUGE pink suitcase gets stuck in the doors and we have to have the attendant help us. Then we run to the train, Bucky (he went to Wisconsin for school) gets stuck in the doors trying to help me onto the train. We manage to unlodge him and get on the train, we can't figure out if we are on the right train. Someone tells us we are not on the right we get off and CANNOT figure out how to find the right we decided just to get a cab, then we CANNOT get out of the turnstyle, so we have to jump it with luggage and all. Then we come up to the street and cannot get a cab to save our lives. Finally Bucky flags one down. Long story, stupid Americans shouldn't try to take the train to Charles de Gaulle.

So I will continue to share stories and information from my trip, but I have to share my favorite stupid American story! So I am at the Musee d'orsay (BTW, when did Paris become Disneyland with the turnstyles and lines that are 30 minutes long for a museum??). There is a Manet exhibit, so I pay to get into the exhibit and I am standing in line. There is a museum employee working the line. And a woman, CLEARLY American, comes up to her and says this (IN YOUR BEST REDNECK TEXAS ACCENT)...why do we have to stand in line for this guy? Is he more famous than Monet or Renior? OH DEAR LORD, seriously? I wish I could have seen the face of the museum employee. A. DON'T assume this woman speaks English, you are in FRANCE, they speak FRENCH, B. Seriously, lady, if you don't know the difference between Manet and Monet, perhaps you shouldn't be at the Musee d' was HILARIOUS!!

On the homefront, the situation with the AWESOME AWESOME guy continues to be, well, AWESOME. Fifth official date tomorrow night, he is so sweet and funny and a total smartie pants just like me. The crazy part is he gets me...which is not an easy (nor real desirable) task. HT, you are the best! Can't wait to continue to tell my readers about how amazing you are.

More to come, CHEERS AND CIAO (and maybe Au revoir) BELLAS! Or Bonsoir!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Spring has sprung...still doesn't mean tights can be pants....

Happy Spring Ladies! I trust that you are starting to clean out that closet and bringing out your spring and summer clothing. Keep in mind, you only need to add a few key pieces each season to refresh your wardrobe and you don't have to spend a lot of money to be cute, sassy and sexy this summer. Remember, undergarments are just as important as the clothing and for CRYING OUT LOUD, put those damn UGGS boots away. AND no rubber flip flops.

Ok, I am somewhat coming off my soapbox. I am still waiting for those pictures of ladies seriously violators out there in public. Try to take them without getting beat up...LT!! Well, I was out and about this weekend and thought I would tell you about some offenders:

1. The redhead told me about this one, which prompted the title. She experienced a young woman wearing sheer tights (as pants) with a short skirt that barely covered her butt cheeks. Sadly it is still too cold for spring in Chicago and therefore, she had a coat on but it was a short coat, and her "tights" were riding above her skirt and then she had a nice little peek of her underwear above there. Ladies seriously, no one wants to see your butt cheeks and your underwear in public. And if they do, it is someone who wants to get you naked...leave that for behind closed doors.

2. At a winery on Saturday afternoon, woman walks in wearing a short tight black skirt, with black hose (again, YUCK... ladies, pantihose are SOOOO 80's, let it go), and open toed 6 inch black patent shoes. CLEARLY not appropriate for getting afternoon drunk at a winery (yep, wine tasting is just a classy excuse to drink on a Saturday afternoon). Needless to say, a bit overdressed. Ladies seriously, let's double check our clothing choices to ensure they are appropriate for the venue.

3. AND THE WINNER!!! Saturday night, the redhead and I experienced it...larger woman, tall and probably could use some Jazzercise. Skin tight black leather pants, top that was gathered at the bottom so it sat her waist (read that her WHOO-WHOO and butt were on full display in those pants), 5 inch black heels and a FULL LENGTH FUR COAT! Now, it is in the 40s in Chicago right now, we are not in Antartica. We SOOO wanted to take a picture, but think we might have gotten rolled. OH dear lord, there were so many things wrong with this one...Ladies Seriously, no one in public should be showing their lower half in that type of leather pants. WHEW....that one was bad. And I personally loathe fur, but even if you support fur, you have to agree it is inappropriate at J. Alexanders Lounge on a Saturday night in April.

Well ladies and gentlemen, this classy lady is sniffing down a 40th birthday on Saturday. So I am taking my three best friends (me, myself and I) to Paris for 4 days. Yes, April in Paris. One of the most amazing, classy places in the world. I am super excited. My hope is to get some ladies seriously DO's and DON'Ts while there. I mean it is Paris... So more to come there.

And my other big news is that I have been out on a few dates with an amazing, wonderful, classy guy that ACTUALLY passes all of my requirements, and dear lord, there are a lot of them and a lot of silly, stupid ones. Ladies seriously, the guy knows how to dress, wears the right shoes, is as much of as smartie pants as me (frightening), knows that chivalry is not dead and most importantly "gets" this shoe/handbag crazy, wine, coffee and car snob, classy lady and treats her with respect. I am confident you will hear more about him in the upcoming posts, but let's just call him HT for right now and I will tell you that he is FABULOUS. This classy lady has been single for SOOO long, I truly cannot believe I met someone like him.

Happy Passover, Happy Easter to all of my religious friends! And to the rest of you, hope you will join me in the future for a drink in hell with the devil ;) CHEERS AND CIAO BELLAS!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

No self respecting female...

Hello ladies! Happy Spring. I have returned from the desert and am back in Chicago. Unfortunately, Chicago has decided to skip Spring this year and we are still getting cold weather and of course, my Cubbies lost yesterday in their home opener. Well, this post is a follow up to the October 5, 2009 post regarding hair color. OH ladies seriously, as we have discussed, there is no shame in the game of coloring your and I would contend that no self respecting female wears her natural hair color.

As requested my little spies (thanks LT) out on the streets have started sending me pictures of offenders of the ladies seriously rules of hair, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc...And we have a new winner! LADIES, don't ever do this to your hair, seriously white blonde streaks over this reddest color? What is she trying to accomplish here?

So as I have mentioned, if you are going to color your hair (and unless you were naturally blessed with FAB hair color, I would recommend that you do), please make sure it looks somewhat natural, matches your skin tone and matches your eyebrows.

Don't ever color your hair easter egg blue or Husker red...unless you are rock star, I mean Katy Perry, Pink and Rihanna CAN get away with it. But even those ladies need to only keep that crazy color for a short amount of time. Rihanna! The red is over, find something new.

Highlights are fine if they are enhancing your natural color or current color, but they should never mimic a skunk like this lady!

Platinum blonde only looks good on a handful of people, so unless you are Marilyn Monroe or Gwen Stefani, steer clear. AND unless you are fabulous like my girl the redhead, two different hair colors on one head usually don't look good.

And lastly, hair color from a box works for some, but be careful, start by matching your natural and take one or two steps from there and test before you do the whole head. My recommendation would be simply to go to the salon, but if the box makes more sense financially for you, just be careful. I don't want you looking like Katy Perry on accident.

So ladies seriously, color away, but keep these rules in mind! Have a great weekend, eat, drink and be merry...keep it classy.